Parents – Can you help???

Short answer: probably

We’ve been awash in a confusing mixed message: We didn’t cause our child’s drug use; it is on them to stop and there is nothing we can do.  Or… We can help. I believe both are true. In our parent group, for years now, the over/underlying question has always been: What can I do? Here follows a brief stab at the answer based on my experience – not conjecture or theory – and largely informed by the Tuesday nights I spend with you, parents of addicted children.

To be clear, I set the parent group up for your support and your support only, knowing as I did and do the huge toll living with an addicted person takes on the entire family from grandparents to pets. The main focus of the group tries to be what you can do for yourselves and not how you can help your child, though we have discovered they are connected and not mutually exclusive. In the course of this support, strategies emerge that do impact your child’s using, both for better or worse – equally valuable. Here is some of what I have learned. I hope you add your own and bring it to the group. (“Support” happens in the group meetings and we miss the point if we only “talk about” it.) Here we go:

1) Addiction is a disease of the brain and most research suggests it is permanent. Most believe it is progressive, getting worse if untreated. Why bring this up, again? Because to really, deeply, know this may take some guilt and similar stressors off you, making you – potentially – more effective at actually helping.

2) When your kids have their own kids (It’s probably going to happen!), those children have a genetic predilection to the disease. Numerous twin studies have shown that about 80% of drinking behavior can be explained by inheritance. Resilience (protective) factors:

Sports, dinners as a family, developing a positive relationship with at least one adult, participating in music, drama, dance and other expressive/social activities, create an environment that disapproves of drug use, taking care of pets, faith-based activities, and treating mental health symptoms.

3) You can affect your child’s brain chemistry by how you act; motivation (to succeed, stop using, etc.) is interactive, affected by the environment…you are the environment!

They will learn most by your example, by who you are and what you stand for as a person, by what you value such as courage, honesty, integrity, humor, kindness, and your own uniqueness. Access your strength first, before acknowledging your weaknesses. They will respond to this for a lifetime. Be a model to emulate, not a fright factory they will be compelled to take care of – their plate is full already…

This bears repeating: who you are, how you are, what you stand for, how you live your life, is the single most powerful “tool” in your armamentarium – everything else will fall into place and pales by comparison.

4) Always, always, always, do whatever you can to encourage connection. (Remember Rat Park? That’s the experiment where a lone rat was placed in a cage with cocaine liquid and water and killed itself using only the cocaine. When many rats were placed in a cage with the same choices – water or cocaine – they almost all drank the water, ignoring the cocaine). Encouraging connections may be the most powerful anti-drug strategy at our disposal. In the end, most alcoholics/addicts drink and use alone, reluctant to even share their precious stash.

5) Stop enabling. Another topic that everyone thinks they understand but may not. Check especially for the more subtle forms, ways we inadvertently make their using easier, or do for them what they can or should learn to do for themselves. It has been said that every single addiction requires an enabling system. Do you think that’s true? You can exit this system, as many of you have done and keep doing. This is can be an emotional consideration, as well as an intelligent one; the need to be needed, wanting to be their friend, wanting to avoid conflict…these must be vigorously examined and without blame or shame.

Basics:

1) Feeling acknowledged, understood, and accepted as they are (not contingent on “doing”), motivate change. Give positive feedback for positive change (Your opinions count very much – please don’t be fooled into thinking otherwise. This is true for ages 6-60…)

2) Confrontation, yelling, judging, pushing, fighting, ignoring, nagging – all these things de-motivate. Enabling itself is one of the biggest de-motivators.

3) Express appreciation daily, compliment freely (best if actually worthy of your praise and they can feel good about it). These motivate. Reflect on your own experience and what motivated you. What zapped your motivation?  Are they that different, really?

4) Occasionally, devote your complete attention to pleasant conversation - not problems, drug use, what they are not…Can you find out their dreams, hopes, wishes – what gets them out of bed? Could you share your own?

5) Consequences – tricky and another complicated topic. Try to keep it simple, i.e., find their currency and use it. Have you learned yet that punishing doesn’t work? Try holding back rewards for bad behavior. Allow “natural consequences…” We have talked about this a lot in our parent group. Have you ever paid a bill that’s theirs, woken them up so they won’t be late for work or school, given them money when they haven’t looked for a job, bought groceries for them allowing their money to be spent elsewhere?? etc., etc. No threats – only firm, fair, calm, consistent and proportional responses to their behavior, especially if they know and trust its coming, based on prior discussions when not in the fray.

By the way, we recognize that some of what you do along these lines makes your life easier: getting them out of the house and away from you, postponing a conflict and so forth. You must balance your needs with theirs and stay flexible and kind - to self and others.

Sometimes simply withholding your approval and turning your back is effective. (This works brilliantly with puppies). Again, this topic needs much more time and discussion and we barely scratched it here. Finding effective consequences and motivating strategies in general, setting clear and firm boundaries (“this is what I will do – this I won’t do; my boundary is to support your recovery and nothing else…”), changes as they grow older, making your job ever more challenging. Mitch, Tina, and Karin say this often: take care of yourself first, not only because you are worth it, but because you’ll become totally ineffective if you don’t. George Washington rode a horse while his straggling, barefoot soldiers walked beside him…

OK – this has been a very brief synopsis of what we often discuss in parent support group Tuesday nights. Obviously, it is by no means exhaustive. Please add your own, even nuanced modifications. Nothing is ever static (Buddhists got it right). They change, you change, the culture changes, drugs change. I believe you parents are really quite amazing, courageous, and ahead of the cultural “wisdom,” while often misunderstood, blamed, and dismissed, or even shamed (“how dare you have an addicted child – I’m a better parent than you are…”). Until they walk in your shoes…